 Miscarriage carries a great number of potential essential losses. It is a complex grief that can drag into an additional kind of suffering that is not always present with other types of bereavement. Not only has woman lost her baby, she are suffering from the effects of a birth and a death and she usually does not have a baby to bury. A funeral gives others their hint of how to behave correctly and when there isn't one they are often at a loss themselves and may not even understand we are grieving. This increases our stress as we can then feel we need to explain this. People may not want to talk about what has happened and it's the only thing we can think of.
When miscarriage happens early in the pregnancy it can be minimized and invalidated but for women, it is the strength of the bond with their baby not the length of the pregnancy that determines the depth of their grief.
A great number of other losses exist. They even are more difficult to explain unless the person has endured a miscarriage themselves, which is why talking to someone who has had one, can offer the most comfort and empathy. This can be a grandmother, mother, sister, friend, medical professional and even sometimes a woman who is perhaps only an acquaintance or even a stranger because they understand the feelings.
Woman that has had a miscarriage can experience the following losses:
- the loss of the gaiety of a happy birth and perhaps future ones
- the loss of her dreams for this baby and the future her family would have had together - she had made plans for life
- the loss of being able to name herself a mother
- the loss of trust in the body she feel has betrayed her
- the real physical loss and the fear that can be felt from the amount of blood passed
- the confusion when experiencing a “blighted ovum” when there is only an empty sac
- the loss of innocence for future pregnancies
- the loss of the belief she didn't even necessarily recognize we held that says “this won't happen to me”
- the loss of her basic trust in life
- the loss of control over her expectations of life
- the loss of the achievement of a goal she had set for herself
- the loss of self-confidence
- the loss of control of her feelings
- the risk of loss of her individuality
- the illogical shame and guilt
- the fears that this amount of grief cannot be normal
- the feeling she should hide her loss and not talk about it as others think she is overreacting
- the loss or change in relationships as she experience others lack of understanding and the isolation and loneliness this causes
- the thought that she has somehow killed her baby, or she did something wrong
- the “what if's” or “if only's” that may result from her not even knowing she was pregnant
- the loss of her last chance of having a baby because of her age
- the guilt and confusion if she has previously had an abortion
- the sometimes harsh judgements she makes about herself
- the feeling she has let her partner down
Women are always looking for answers to “why” and, although there are reasons, they do not usually find out what they are, so miscarriage grief is not so much about finding the answer they yearn for, as learning how to live without one.
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